Retrospectives: 5 days until Seattle, musings on a boy

I’m starting completely over in a new place and that is so scary. But for as scared as I am, I’m so excited to define the terms of my life and decide who I let in. I have found comfort in the challenge that lies ahead of me and I pray that I take advantage of and learn from every new opportunity that comes my way.

There is the matter of this boy who has somehow entered my life. I have no idea where he is at or what he is thinking. He has made many comments about the future and alluding to a relationship between us but he has not said anything flat out. He hasn’t asked me to be his girlfriend, but he’s held my hand…

I have been thinking a lot about how I feel about this possibility, given the fact that he lives in LA, I’m going to be living in Seattle and I have never been in any kind of relationship, let alone a long distance one. But here’s what I’ve come up with. I’ve decided that I like him. That has happened before, no big deal, but here’s the difference: there have been guys that I’ve wanted to get to know but with this one, not only do I want to know him, I want him to know me. I actually had that conscious thought. I am not the most willing person to share myself with others. So I feel like this is a big deal for me, and that makes it something I want to pursue. however, given that he hasn’t made his intentions clear, I’m hesitant to hand him my heart until I know he wants it and is ready to receive it. So I guess, to put a visual metaphor on the situation, I have a reserved sign there for him.

Thoughts now: I read what I wrote about moving to Seattle, and taking advantage of every opportunity that comes my way. I think I’ve done a pretty good job of this so far. I can’t say I’ve done well with *every* opportunity, but I have done a lot of new things, been challenged by a lot, and come out on the other side. So I count this a success.

As for the boy, clearly that didn’t work out. I was upset for a while afterward, because the last time I spoke to him, we had a conversation in which we agreed that its incredibly difficult to have a long distance relationship, but that we both wanted to continue to get to know each other. Then, nothing. No more calls, no messages, nothing. I have yet to this day to have closure on that. I think for the most part, I’m over it, it doesn’t affect me, etc. However, I think that I’m still pretty hesitant to share who I really am with people. Situations like this make it hard for me to be vulnerable and feel safe. Mostly with gentleman-folk. I hope that I’m making progress in this department, but it takes time and strategically placed people.


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Filed under relationships, retrospectives

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