holding and losing

i am writing this post right now because i am trying desperately to finish finals, and i can’t seem to concentrate. i am hoping if i can get some of this out, i will find enough focus to make a dent. i can’t say any more than has already been said about the wonderful community of people connected to SPU, so that is not what this will be. this is my own process, it will not be eloquent.

june 5 with be a day that i mark from now on. it will be remembered as the day there was a shooting at my school. i have experienced a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts. i was not on campus, and a part of me hurts whenever i tell someone that because it seems to be received with great relief, like somehow that makes it okay.

i spent the weekend hanging out with some of my favorite seattle kids, which was great fun, but meant that i had no space to think and to process this event until sunday morning.

i made the choice to worship outside of my church home on sunday, because i wanted to be with a group of people that wouldn’t be afraid to speak the truth of the event and to make space for the pain that we were in.

so here is the truth: i am wrecked, i am a mess. the world seems to have moved on, to not notice the SPU sweatshirt i have been wearing every day. i can’t hold a thought in my brain. i can’t focus on anything. i feel sick to my stomach. there is too much freedom in my schedule this week, there is nothing that i have to hold it together for. so i am not holding it together. i am not really holding it together.

i am tired, i am cranky. i can’t remember what it is i need to get done this week. i am not myself. what is more, i don’t even feel like i have the space for this to be okay because i have finals and summer classes and a new job starting next week. i can’t really afford to lose it right now.

so to sum: i am not holding it together, but i can’t really let myself lose it. follow that enigma.

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