Category Archives: retrospectives

a section of posts that were written after the fact, in other journals, or are updated later. usually, they overlap with other categories.

to the mountaintop

i found this poem that i never posted. it accompanied a painting that i made as part of my process of reflection after a trip to new orleans and jackson, mississippi in 2009.

there’s something electric in the air today
it has the energy of a revolution
of truth & love

my eyes are open to things broken:
to the battered lives bound by hurt
and to the chains that lie in ruins
around a life that has been redeemed

and you are calling me to the mountaintop

i run hard with all i have to meet you there

this is the journey you and i are on
one day high
laughing, living, rejoicing
and all too quickly facedown
struggling to regain what has been lost

the sun of righteousness will rise
with healing in his wings

let’s start a revolution
against the forces that impede truth

let’s start a revolution
against unforgiveness

let’s start a revolution
against cycles of hurt passed on to others

let’s start a revolution
of hope.


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Retrospectives: Jordan Crouch

It is coming up on one year since my friend Jordan unexpectedly passed away. I’d like to share a little bit about the Jordo I knew, the impact he had on me, and some thoughts I’ve had this year without him around.

I met Jordan a few months after I moved to Seattle, thanks to the friendship of Kristen and Elise. Jordan welcomed us both with open arms. We all met at a bar, and within minutes Jordan was trying to find an excuse to throw a party to officially welcome us.

That’s exactly who Jordan was. The most welcoming person I’ve ever met. He was always ready to listen, and support, always ready to have a good time, and usually encouraging you to do something ridiculous.

He loved Jesus, he loved his wife and son, he loved working with youth, and he loved his friends and family. I am nothing short of blessed for having gotten the opportunity to know him, no matter how brief our time was.

I love you and miss you jojo.

12-18-1981 to 1-2-2010

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Filed under death, retrospectives

Retrospectives: 5 days until Seattle, musings on a boy

I’m starting completely over in a new place and that is so scary. But for as scared as I am, I’m so excited to define the terms of my life and decide who I let in. I have found comfort in the challenge that lies ahead of me and I pray that I take advantage of and learn from every new opportunity that comes my way.

There is the matter of this boy who has somehow entered my life. I have no idea where he is at or what he is thinking. He has made many comments about the future and alluding to a relationship between us but he has not said anything flat out. He hasn’t asked me to be his girlfriend, but he’s held my hand…

I have been thinking a lot about how I feel about this possibility, given the fact that he lives in LA, I’m going to be living in Seattle and I have never been in any kind of relationship, let alone a long distance one. But here’s what I’ve come up with. I’ve decided that I like him. That has happened before, no big deal, but here’s the difference: there have been guys that I’ve wanted to get to know but with this one, not only do I want to know him, I want him to know me. I actually had that conscious thought. I am not the most willing person to share myself with others. So I feel like this is a big deal for me, and that makes it something I want to pursue. however, given that he hasn’t made his intentions clear, I’m hesitant to hand him my heart until I know he wants it and is ready to receive it. So I guess, to put a visual metaphor on the situation, I have a reserved sign there for him.

Thoughts now: I read what I wrote about moving to Seattle, and taking advantage of every opportunity that comes my way. I think I’ve done a pretty good job of this so far. I can’t say I’ve done well with *every* opportunity, but I have done a lot of new things, been challenged by a lot, and come out on the other side. So I count this a success.

As for the boy, clearly that didn’t work out. I was upset for a while afterward, because the last time I spoke to him, we had a conversation in which we agreed that its incredibly difficult to have a long distance relationship, but that we both wanted to continue to get to know each other. Then, nothing. No more calls, no messages, nothing. I have yet to this day to have closure on that. I think for the most part, I’m over it, it doesn’t affect me, etc. However, I think that I’m still pretty hesitant to share who I really am with people. Situations like this make it hard for me to be vulnerable and feel safe. Mostly with gentleman-folk. I hope that I’m making progress in this department, but it takes time and strategically placed people.

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Filed under relationships, retrospectives

Retrospectives: Love is…

to me…
Love is a Fairy Tale
that we’re too old to believe
like wishing on stars
and childhood dreams
too juvenile to be real

to me…
Love is Weakness
a side of yourself you never show
unless you want to hurt
like a wound
that never heals

to me…
Love is Regret
seeing your mistakes in my eyes
wishing you were somewhere else
with anyone else
but me

to me…
Love is a Commodity
to be sold
and held for ransom
to be given
and taken away

to me…
Love is Abandon
and not abandoning self
to experience love
but abandon like gone
and left here alone

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Protected: Retrospectives: a turn around

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Filed under cultivating theology, retrospectives

Retrospectives: taken advantage of…

go ahead!

MANIPULATE ME with your words because your actions speak the truth.

but I will MANIPULATE YOU too with my own agenda on my mind

and we will live these lives of lies
because none of us really wants the other around
and hate is the undertone of our friendship

maybe hate is too strong
maybe this is a righteous anger

meh…who am i kidding?

i will take whatever you give me
just because that is who I am…

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Retrospectives: she

once upon a time
there was a broken heart…

and she liked to pretend

she thought she looked better
in pieces
and liked the sound of the screams in her head

the trees and the wind cry with her
because when she hurts
the whole world can feel her pain

one day she lost her hope
and couldn’t pretend anymore

she didn’t realize how many pieces she was in
or how much it hurt

but she is still trying to go on
she is still ignoring

when will she realize she can’t ignore herself anymore?

when is her happily ever after?

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Filed under creativity expressed, retrospectives